My life has been a rollercoaster these past few months. Change always unnerves me.. but you know I've noticed that even when stuff is relatively stable, it's still pretty damn dynamic. And I feel the same. I feel like my body is falling apart, but I'm losing weight again. I'm doing something about it... you know.. something for myself. These patterns really have emerged, these highs and lows. Periods of boundless progress followed by periods of self destructive depression.
I think I do it consciously though. I know that sounds fucked up, but if you don't taste both sides of life, things get stale. The lower your lows are, the higher your highs can be. The base-line feels fake and boring. And even if you are really high in your life all the time, it eventually becomes the baseline... so you have to stall a little, so you can climb a lot.
The reason I think this isn't because I'm admitting something.. I just can't think of any reason for it. I allowed myself to do these things I kind of knew would fuck things up for me... and they did, and I spiraled down "out of control" and then right before things got irreparably damaged, I pull out of the nose dive. I guess I just have a flair for the dramatic like that. It takes epic moments to change my course, and sometimes I have to manufacture them myself.
... at the zero hour.
My ambitions before seemed so huge to me, now they all seem doable. You know when you are a creative person, its easy for you to build mental mountains for yourself. Especially when you're the one in charge of driving yourself forward. And especially when you amaze yourself. "Wow I can't believe I moved that rock, now i should try to move THAT rock" until you're staring at a 900 ton boulder with lava shooting out of all sides thats covered in motor oil... and you kind of go "fuck that.". But then eventually you move that boulder... boulder analogy ftw.
I don't want to talk about specific things because i've done a lot of talking and not a lot of doing, so as things become "done" they will pop up around here. I will say that I've started writing music again, I'm really liking Reason, I think im gunna buy 4 when it comes out. I wonder if they have academic prices.
Cutting it short?
--_-